i`m sorry. okay if it`s fucked up for me to say this now, but i am. but yes, you`re right, things do happen for a reason..

yep, those were the words i said, from beginning to now.. it`s all true. i love you, `nuff said. i`m never ever going to let you go, i never said you weren`t in my heart up till now. we are just friends & nothing more, i said that? hm. i most likely did. i want you to let go, because i`m not one to lead you on to believe that there will be an us again. i`m falling for him & i just don`t want to hurt you anymore, i don`t. like i said, i`m not one to lead you on.

i tried again & again, to see if those past feelings for you would come back. i wanted us to be a couple again, that`s why things happened the way they did whenever we were together, but then, those were the only times. whenever we weren`t together physically, i just couldn`t find it in my heart. i just wasn`t happy. i know you did every single thing that you could just for me to be happy, but a lot [two words] of it was material things too.

thank you myki, for anything & everything. you know i won`t give up on anything, you know how i am. thank you, for everything. & you know, i`m here forever also.

i know i messed up in this, i know that the faults were on me, but i can`t help myself. if it was meant to be, it will be, but for now, it`s just the way things are.. thank you for putting up with it all for so long.

thank you again mychael & i`m sorry.

i can see the pain living in your eyes

& i know how hard you try

you deserve to have so much more

i can feel your heart & i sympathize

& i`ll never criticize

all you`ve ever meant to my life

i don`t want to let you down

i don`t want to lead you on

i don`t want to hold you back

from where you might belong

you would never ask me why

my heart is so disguised

i just can`t live a lie anymore

i would rather hurt myself

than to ever make you cry

there`s nothing left to say but

goodbye

you deserve the chance at the kind of love

i`m not sure i`m worthy of

losing you is painful to me

i don`t want to let you down

i don`t want to lead you on

i don`t want to hold you back

from where you might belong

you would never ask me why

my heart is so disguised

i just can`t live a lie anymore

i would rather hurt myself

than to ever make you cry

there`s nothing left to say but

goodbye

"what's wrong with you?  I havnt seen you cry for a long time.  and i have never seen you cry like this over a girl."  well thats what my brother said when he just walked in my room without knocking.  so yep.  i have never loved or ever cried for someone this much and this hard.  but what can i do?  i never gave up on her cause i believed in us again but things do change and things do happen for a reason.

"i love you"

"im never ever goin to let you go"

"we are just friends and nothing more" (this is what you said about you and him)

"i want you to let go"

"im falling for him and i just dont want to hurt you anymore"

thats the short version on how things were to how they are now.

i wish you the best of luck with your future relationship and to just concentrate on him.  im glad that your happy cause you know that is what i want you to be.  dont give up and always keep your chin up.  your a bright young lady and i know that you will do wonders for yourself and your family as the years go.  take care of yourself.  you know that im always here for you whenever you need me.  you ask me to give up on you as a couple but there is no reason for me to give up on you as a friend.

last night i woke up and i couldnt get back to sleep cause i wanted jem to call me like she usually does.  having her on the phone while i sleep was somethin that i just got use too.  always felt that she was there next to me.  so i woke up around 2 and i couldnt really get back to sleep after that.  i looked at my phone so many times through the night but nothing.  nothing all night. 

Im not lettin go or givin up on you.  i say those things cause i dont know what is to come with us.  if i was to give up i wouldnt be talkin to you or calling you.  tellin you that i love you.  if i was to give up i wouldnt be helpin you out or your family or replacin stolen things or gettin things before you leave.  im still here by your side.  im not talkin to another girl and you know that.  im still concentrating on you.  i do still love you and miss you.  i have never felt this way for another until you walked into my life. 

im not blaming you or me.  cause what happen was somethin that we both did.  we had our reasons on what we did.  everything has there reasons. 

When im not talking to you,

I always think of you.

When im not with you,

I always see you in my head.

When i look at the stars,

I always see your eyes.

When i see the sun,

It always reminds me how you light up my life.

When i can't tell you that i love or miss you,

I always hope that you can hear me.

jem and i get along so well when we are together physically. like before.  we still say that we love each other and call each other babe.  and dont get me wrong it feels so good knowing that.  but officially we arent together.  as much as i want us back, its just not my saying also.  we both told each other one thing and yet we both let it fall apart and its up to us if we want it back.  from other peoples eyes they see us as a couple just not as friends.  people always wonder why were not together when we still act like it. 

with me keepin my word to her feels like the right thing.  to have her keep her trust in me and know im good for my word.  i know keepin my word is spendy and taking a risk.  cause i dont know what is goin to happen between us.  yeah we can get back together or she can just keep it as friends or fall in love with someone else.  i dont know.  i just have to let it flow and not pressure a decision for the both of us.  i do love talkin to her and spending time with her but it does still hurt knowing that we are like this.  but its life.  just have to accept it how its given to you.

by keepin my word this is how it goes:

battery/charger for her alaska trip (needs for alaska)

2 playboy bunny shot glasses (keepin my word)

rapter jersey (keepin my word)

replacing the ring that got stolen and not to worry cause i would replace

our love that we shown each other = priceless

us together = ??????

i would say the prices but i dont want to cause ppl would think im dumb for what i do for her but she knows why.  she knows who i am.  and who i am is never goin to change.  im still me but a person that learned not to be too picky and to accept more on who they are and what they do.